Church Humor

Two Mules

Two fool mules – now get this dope,

Were tied together with a piece of rope,

Said one to the other, You come my way

while I take a nibble of this new mown hay.

 I won’t, said the other, you come with me, for I too have some hay, you see.

So they got nowhere; they just pawed up dirt,

And believe me, how that rope did hurt;

Then they faced about, those stubborn mules,

And said, We are just like human fools.

Let’s pull together, I’ll go your way,

Then you come toward me, and we’ll both eat hay.

Well they ate their hay and liked it too.

And pledged to be comrades good and true.

As the sun went down they were heard to say,

 Ah, this is the end of a perfect day.

Once upon a time there were four men named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

But Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it. But Nobody did it.

Churches Should Have

More tithes and fewer drives.

More action and less faction.

More workers and fewer shirkers.

More backers and fewer slackers.

More praying and less straying.

More of God's plans and less of man's.

More burden-bearers and fewer tale-bearers.

Some Church Members are like...

A lot of members are like wheelbarrows -- not good unless pushed.

Some are like canoes -- need to be paddled.

Some are like kites -- if a string isn't kept on them, they fly away.

Some are like kittens -- more contented when petted.

Some are like balloons -- full of wind and ready to blow up.

Some are like footballs -- you can't tell which way they'll bounce next.

Some are like trailers -- they have to be pulled.

Some are like neon lights -- they keep going on and off.

Many, thank goodness, are like the North Star -- there when you need them, dependable and ever loyal."

Why I don't go to church

summertime it is too hot, in winter it's too cold;

In Spring and Fall when the weather's nice there's some place else to go -- Either to the mountains or to the beach, or visit some old friend;  

Or stay at home and hope that some of the relatives will drop in.

A headache every Sunday morn, and a backache Sunday night;

But by the time on Monday you're feeling quite all right.

But maybe some of the children had a cold -- Pneumonia, you suppose -- 

So all the family had to stay at home -- and blow the poor child's nose!

Excuses, excuses; you'll hear them every day The devil will supply you,

if from Church you'll stay away.

When people come to know the Lord, the devil always loses,

And so to keep them from the Church he offers them EXCUSES!!!

Deaf and Faithful

A little old man was seen every Sunday morning walking to church. He was deaf, so he could not hear a word of the sermon or the music of the choir, or the hymns sung by the congregation.

A scoffer asked, "Why do you spend your Sundays in that church when you can't hear a word?"

He replied, "I want my neighbors to know which side I'm on!"

 Faithful Attendance at Worship:

 All that I ask is that we apply the same standards of faithfulness to our church activities that we would in other areas of our life. That doesn't seem too much to ask. The church, after all, is concerned about faithfulness.

 Consider these examples: If your car started one out of three times, would you consider it faithful? If the paperboy skipped Monday and Thursdays, would they be missed? If you didn't show up at work two or three times a month, would your boss call you faithful? If your refrigerator quit a day now and then, would you excuse it and say, "Oh, well, it works most of the time." If your water heater greets you with cold water one or two mornings a week while you were in the shower, would it be faithful? If you miss a couple of mortgage payments in a year's time, would your mortgage holder say, "Oh, well, ten out of twelve isn't bad"? If you miss worship and attend meetings only often enough to show you're interested but not often enough to get involved, are you faithful?

The Dirty Skunk

He was not too well-educated and his manner was somewhat crude and rough, but he became a Christian and was on fire for the Lord. He constantly pestered his pastor to help him be of some genuine service to his church. In desperation, the pastor gave him a list of ten people, saying, "These are members who seldom attend services; some are prominent men of the city. Contact them any way you can and try to get them to be more faithful. Use the church stationery to write letters if you want, but get them back in church." He accepted the challenge with enthusiasm.

 About three weeks later, a letter arrived from a prominent physician, whose name was on the list. In the envelope was a one thousand dollar check and a note: "Dear Pastor: Enclosed is my check to make up for my missed offerings. I'm sorry for missing worship so much, but be assured I am going to be present every Sunday from now on and will not by choice miss services again. Sincerely, M. B. Jones, M.D.

 P.S. Would you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one t in dirty and no c in skunk."

The YOKE

Back in 1957 the First Brethren Church of Sarasota, Florida had a ground breaking service. Instead of the usual shovels for special people to use in digging, they brought an old one horse plow. Recalling the words of Jesus, "Take my yoke upon you," they borrowed an old yoke and two stalwart laymen were hitched up. But the two were unable to pull the plow. Then the entire Building Committee of the congregation were put on the rope, but even then the plow did not move. Other church officers were added, and the Sunday school officers and teachers, but still the plow did not move. Finally every member of the congregation who was present each took a hold of the rope. With every member pulling together, the plow moved, the ground was broken.

 Too many churches expect the preacher or a few officials to do the work and pull the entire load to keep the church going. If we want to see progress we must all work together.

 church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.

God's Refrigerator

 If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
 He re-assures us with Rainbows after His storms have passed.
 Whenever you want to talk, He listens.
 Your Birthday is on his calendar.
 He never rests when you stay away too long without calling.
 He's happy when you read the book He wrote.
 He's is joyous to see you completely satisfied with what He gives you.
 He can live anywhere in the universe yet He chooses your heart.
 Face it, friend-He is crazy about you!
 Isn't that the most wonderful message in the world?

    The Perfect Pastor  by Father McGinn
The perfect pastor preaches exactly 20 minutes.
He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone's feelings.
He works from 8 AM until midnight and is also the church janitor.
The perfect pastor makes $200 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $100 a week to the church.
He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience.
Above all, he is handsome.
The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.
He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.
He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its committees. He never misses the meeting of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.
      If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.  One of them should be perfect.      
 Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.